Good Grief...

Consoling or comforting a friend or loved one who is in the throes of grief is never a pleasant task. However, there is nothing more important or moving as doing so, even if it means working through our own discomfort.

Many of us have learned Elisabeth Kubler-Ross's stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Understanding that grief has stages can be helpful in experiencing it, and certainly in helping a friend on this tough journey toward healing. It doesn't make for shortcuts or a "painless" reconciling of the divergent feelings of loss and hope. Still, walking with another along this path is a truly compassionate act, and the discomfort of empathizing with their suffering is very much in line with what Jesus meant when he urged his followers to "take up your cross and follow me." Jesus experienced the ultimate pain of total empathy with the failings of the human condition.

Grief is especially hard when the death is viewed by us as "unfair" or senseless, such as in the death of a child or young parent, or in the case of a suicide. Our congregation recently experienced the passing of a young mother due to cancer. There is a universal desire here to reach out to her children, who are peers of our other youth in the youth program. The hardest thing is that hugs, while comforting, are inadequate to sooth the slowing unfolding grief of a young person who has lost his or her Mom. What can we do to provide comfort?

First of all, don't distance yourself from the person; stay connected, and try to "normalize" the relationship--just be there for them, and continue to be their friend. Don't over-sentimentalize the situation or send even subliminal signals that you will relate to them differently because of the death. Secondly, realize full well that this will be a process, and it may happen in fits and starts, especially with a younger person. Watch for signs that the grief is being subverted by a negative behavior, and gently encourage the person to move back onto a healthier path. Young persons, whose emotional maturity is still developing, may "act out," which is not always bad, but it should be observed carefully, noting that less maturity may result in poor judgment, especially on the part of a teen.

Above all, if you are in a caring situation with a grieving friend (young or old) and observe behaviors or here comments which concern you, make contact with a professional caregiver/counselor for guidance and assistance. It is never a bad thing to realize that you are "in over your head," and should facilitate a connection between the counselor and the bereaved.

If you are a young friend of another young person who has lost a loved one, again, just be present with your friend. Let them talk, and be a good listener. Do your best to be patient with them and don't rush to make them "feel better." They will get through their grief, but as we said earlier, it may take time, and while the temptation of youth may be to "just get over it," this is something that does not go fast. If you have a grieving friend who seems to get over it soon, realize that that is not a good thing! Encourage them to walk in "baby steps" so their mind and heart can heal.

Good grief is a gift of God designed to help us cope with huge losses in life. As you help another along in this process, don't short-change its healing power! Shalom, friends.