Love flexibly...

No, this is not a suggestion out of Masters and Johnson's research. It's actually an appeal from the pen of the Apostle Paul in I Corinthians 13.

"Love does not demand its own way," is the phrase upon which "Love is Flexible" is based. "Love is Flexible" was our sermon title from this past weekend at St. Paul's, incidentally. The concept has a much bigger kick than that old chestnut from Love Story,  "Love means never having to say you're sorry." What drivel that was.

Flexible love is one that bends but does not break, regardless of the circumstances in which it finds itself. In our closest loving relationships, this is important. I told our congregations that if my wife's love for me wasn't flexible, she would have either committed homicide or flew the coop long ago. I can test a person's patience. If I'm coming off a fresh reading stretch (I read four newspapers per day, and am currently reading about four books), I can really be full of it. New knowledge, that is. And if she gets in the way of one of my resulting barrages of tweaked brilliance, she may feel "belittled," or at the very least, becomes an unsuspecting audience at one, receiving the fusillade of argumentative logic I would rather rain down upon the random Trump supporter. She knows I never am attacking HER, of course, but when I'm in one of these "I just have to tell somebody" jags, I'll let loose upon the first sentient thing I encounter. But she does love me, and takes it, her dedicated agape-based flexibility on  full display. (When she's really on, though, she will listen to my diatribe and interject one enlightened "But what about this_______?" that destroy's my fueled up forensics. I keep forgetting that she is smarter...)

Flexible love "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things." That's a tall order. I confess, in my marriage, it is easy for me, as I'm still caught in the "worshipping the ground she walks on" stage, for almost 42 years now. Amazed that this incredible (and stunning) female has chosen to walk with me on life's journey without wavering, I need little "flexibility" in my love, other than to be much more observant of what HER needs are, the cluelessness of which is a common failing among we males of the species. I don't need to be convinced I have a very good thing going. She, on the other hand, could easily muster the argument that hers is the harder hand, and therefore requires a more malleable love, going forward. Every one of my "post reading" pontifications revives the need for this, I'm sure. (Please note, I'm not talking about my actual church sermons--she has always been my best critic and most ardent "attaboy" promoters in this regard. The few times she has had to respond with a "What was THAT all about?" to one of my homiletical efforts, I was made painfully aware that I had just laid an ostrich-sized egg.)

When meeting a struggling couple in the counseling room, the first sign I typically see of their trouble is a clear inflexibility on the part of one or both of them. As each brings their opening argument, it becomes clear that an anchor or two has been dropped, and the love involved has become quite rigid. "I can't love her if..." or "How can I love him when he says..." are fighting words, when a more flexible love--born of the growing history of the relationship, an active faith, or both--might have allowed a complete pass on the offense, or might have resulted in a therapeutic conversation over coffee instead of a major brouhaha. [DISCLAIMER: I'm not talking about bonafide situations of abuse, either physical or emotional--no love is flexible enough to fix these, and in fact, may bring real harm to the victim if she or he tries to apply it. As they say, "Don't try this at home." Get help!]

The Apostle Paul was addressing relationships at multiple levels in his famous "love chapter." The early church was a hot mess of different nationalities, former religious affiliations, socioeconomic classes, and genders, all thrown in together and told to be "Christlike." Thankfully, the Christian church has evolved over our 2,000-plus years, and now we have matured into a hot mess of different nationalities, former religious affiliations, socioeconomic classes, and genders all thrown in together and told to be "Christlike." John Lennon was right--all we need is love. Unfortunately, that is like saying, "All we need is a boatload of cash," or "All we need is a way to defy gravity, if we want to go to Mars." The kind of flexible love that meets the criteria of not demanding its own way, or one that  "bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things" takes a lot of work to have and perfect. Our greatest error in trying to muster it is to believe we can, in the first place. This kind of love must--MUST have its origins in the divine, and MUST be germinated and fed by grace--God's grace. John Wesley wasn't nuts when he spouted endlessly about grace, and Paul wasn't either. Martin Luther was enamored by grace, and so was Jean Calvin, in whatever else he was doing with that goofy stuff about predestination. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. knew that only a grace-driven, flexible love would bring about the beginnings of liberation for persons of color, and we must admit today that dismantling racism and fighting discrimination against LGBTQIA+ persons will not be successful without God's grace and flexible love. Flexible love builds bridges, not walls, humanly speaking, and it doesn't make demands that benefit only itself. Yep, this will be hard. But so is what my wife has to put up with, and I'm so glad she hasn't given up! Let us not give up on these fruits of flexible love either, Dear Ones!

I'm not even getting into parenting issues in this brief discourse. Let me just say one word about how we ultimately develop genuine, flexible love in parenting: teenagers. Also boosts your prayer life...

My wife says I ramble, so I'll quit now. But may we never give up the pursuit of the healing, hopeful, and transformational thing we call flexible love. If you forget for a moment what it looks like, gaze at your loving partner, or turn to Jesus, the "author and finisher" of it. Shalom, Yinz...